wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Spotted in New Orleans.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”