Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you