Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler