yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
new shirt idea
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?