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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
it is time once again
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
saving face 👀
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online