me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
That de-escalated quickly
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!