plums roundup
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My dad.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
6: are snakes just neck?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.