my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes