“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.