Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I put the h in mysterious.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
When you can’t find your friend Neil
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
three things we don’t talk about
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.