if my sleeping schedule was a person
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if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
They did not think through this water fountain
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.