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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
that colleague who touches your screen
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶