I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.