Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
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My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Most fashion shows these days…
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?