My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Seems a bit forward
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
wish me luck lads
never ask a starfish for directions
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here