You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*