Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.