You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
You Might Also Like
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.