You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.