someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Autocorrect completely socks
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.