I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
When the stylist spins you back around
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
gm
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it