You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
You Might Also Like
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
bad news gang
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*