A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.