Not my job 😂
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”