Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
You Might Also Like
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories