Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.