[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
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I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
this chia pet tastes awful
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.