The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
a god among men
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Breaking news:
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?