I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
You Might Also Like
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.