Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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life finds a way
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.