Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.