Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
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[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H