My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.