When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
😬
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I feel seen.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
drew a comic about my origin story