Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*