Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
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Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
liiiiiiiiike
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…