“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
went fishing caught a bass
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.