I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Good morning
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!