People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword