Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
You Might Also Like
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.