Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
look at me when i’m typing to you
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler