-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky