Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side