Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
finally found a reasonable question
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.