God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!