In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Just why bro?!
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”