Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.