“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
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Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.