My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries