Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
what
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”